Always Trying
by HappyEverlark
Summary: Ever wondered what happens before Peeta and Katniss have kids? I have and now I've written about it. This is what I think happens between the end of Mockingjay and the Epilogue.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys! This is my first ever Fanfic and I'm super excited! I've been thinking about doing this for awhile but I never thought I was a good writer but I want to see how this will work out. I would really appreciate if you guys would help me because I am still getting situated to all of this. So if you guys have any tips, I will be glad to hear them! Oh, and I'm going to be putting some of my favorite quotes up here! Anyway, without further ado, I give you the first chapter of Always Trying!**

 **First Quote:**

 **"Because... because... she came here with me."-Peeta Mellark (where it all started!)**

* * *

He's here. I never thought I would see him again. But he's here.

As soon as I see Peeta's clear, blue eyes, I am filled with so many different emotions. I feel scared for what has and might happen. I am relieved to see him here, in front of me, healthy and okay. I am angry because he has healed and I can't. I have to admit, I even feel the longing for what was once there but will never be again.

When he says that h planted those flowers for her, for Prim, I am numbed with such a deep sadness because of the things she will never get to experience. She will never get to know a time of peace, a time without the Hunger Games. She will never have a family of her own, something I knew she always wanted ever since she was little. Also, she will never experience love.

I guess her and I are the same in that way.

* * *

I am back in my chair inside the house. It has been five days since Peeta and I had our last encounter. I have caught glimpses of him walking out of his house or watering the flowers in front of my house. He doesn't see me, and if he does he doesn't do anything and I don't make an effort to go talk to him.

I'm scared to talk to him. I'm scared he might try to kill me again. I'm scared he won't want to talk to me. I'm scared that if I do start talking to him I might start caring about him again, and that would only hurt both of us.

I am brought out of my thoughts by a knock on the door.

I hesitantly get up, because no one ever visits me besides Greasy Sae and she never knocks. She knows better.

When I open the door, I am surprised to see Haymitch standing in front of me.

"Hey sweetheart," he says after a moment of silence.

"Hey," I answer, exhaustion clear in my voice. I haven't been sleeping these past few days, but what's different? I am too scared to sleep, afraid for what my past has in store for me in the darkest hour of the night. The last time I could sleep soundly was with Peeta's arms around me, keeping me warm and safe from the demons my mind conjures for me. But I know that will never happen again.

"I guess I'll invite myself in," he says after another moment of silence. He walks past me and goes into my living room.

I follow him in silence ands on a chair across from him. I am about to ask what he wants when he suddenly speaks up.

"You seen the boy yet?" he simply says and I hear the exhaustion in his voice as well. He hasn't been drinking as much but I can tell he hasn't been sleeping much either. His way of coping with nightmares was alcohol and now that he's starting to run out, he's been drinking less and less of it so that it will last awhile longer. I don't know what we're going to do when he runs out for good.

"I saw him the day he got back, but not in the past few days," I say weakly. I don't know why, but ever since Peeta tried to choke me in District 13, I feel a pain in my heart when someone brings up Peeta. Some things never change.

Haymitch seems to be questioning if he should tell me what he has in his mind but before he can continue, I speak.

"Would you like something to drink?" I say trying to avoid the topic I'm sure we're going to continue.

"I want nothing more than a bottle of alcohol, but yes some water," he replies, but he's too caught up in his own thoughts to process that I left the room.

When I come back into the room, Haymitch's face has taken a thoughtful look to it. He takes his cup and while he takes a long drink, he seems to be examining me.

"What?" I snap.

"I'm trying to decide something."

"And what would that be?" I growl.

"What that boy sees in you."

His answer brings me up short. It is something that I have thought long and hard about before but could never find the answer. I remember Peeta telling me about when he first fell in love with me and how I thought it was just something made up for the cameras but later finding out that what he said he felt was true. That all that had happened in and out of the arenas wasn't just some show to him. That it was me who was thinking it was all an act only later to figure out that it not all of it was but not knowing what was part of the act and what wasn't. I look back to Haymitch and I can see he's lost in his thought too.

"But that's not what I was thinking about," he says, obviously trying to keep the silence short so we don't have to be held captive by our memories.

"Well, what were you thinking about then" I ask impatiently even though I doubt I want to know the answer.

"About who he comes back and you don't even make an attempt to talk to him. That boy has been through so much you don't understand. Heck, even I don't understand it. Buy what I do understand is that he came back. Whether it be for memories or familiar faces, he's still here and I hope you, of all people, will see how precious this time is that you two have together."

"Don't you see Haymitch," I say unable to hide the trembling that escapes me, "he doesn't want anything to do with me. He hates me. I hate myself. For all I know, even you hate me. Everything is my fault. If I would've just eaten those berries and died in the first arena none of this would have happened. Peeta would still be the healthy boy he was before the Games and no one would be feeling the pain and loss that I have brought to them. Don't you see? I can't help him. I can't even help myself." I say so quietly, I'm surprised Haymitch heard me.

"You don't understand Katniss. That boy needs you more than you think. I see him on his front porch, debating whether or not to visit you. He just sits there, staring at your house until he finally goes inside. One time he made it halfway across his yard but then he shook his head and walked back inside his house, looking defeated. I didn't see him the rest of the day until, finally, he came out of his house, covered in paint, to throw his trash away. He needs you and, deep down, I know you need him too."

"He went through everything because of me. You don't understand what it's like, to have that follow you around everywhere. It's miserable." Miserable is an understatement. There are no words for how bad I feel about doing that to him.

"Why don't you tell him you're sorry? He is the most forgiving person I have ever met. Look at how many times you've screwed up. Nothing stopped him from coming back to you. He sure does have a heart of gold." When Haymitch says that, he means it. Peeta does have a heart of gold and that's the problem. It makes it worse for me not to talk to him, because I know that if I were in his position and him in mine, he would be doing everything he can to get me back.

"This time's different Haymitch. I'm scared to even see him. What if he doesn't want to see me and you're just jumping to conclusions that—"

"What are you scared of?" Haymitch cuts me off, "that he'll kill you? I think we're beyond that point. He might hurt you, but not kill. He has survived many things but he can't survive killing you and you know it."

I can't think of anything to say. There really is nothing I can say to argue with his point. Peeta can't kill me. He wouldn't be able to forgive himself.

"I'll see what I can do," is all I can say before it gets hard to keep my eyes open. Being deprived of sleep is really taking its toll on me.

"Okay. See you later sweetheart," Haymitch says, noticing how tired I am. He is fixing to leave, but then he turns back to me and puts his hands on my shoulder. If I wasn't so tired I might have attempted to slap his hand.

"I just wanted you to know that you two have grown up too fast. You both have seen things that no one should ever have to see, no matter how old they are. I didn't think either of you would survive what you both have. But here we are. I have to say, you two are as tough as nails. Don't forget that. You still have a long life ahead of you, if your past has anything to say about it. Make it count." Haymitch says this with an expression that, for him, resembles love. I guess it makes sense. We're family. Haymitch, Peeta, and I, we're a family. We might be a poor excuse for a family, but there's nothing wrong with that. I love my makeshift family.

"That's all I had to say," he says after a moment of silence. He seems to be debating something else until, finally, he says, "I'm making dinner tomorrow. Join me?"

"Of course." It came out of my mouth before I had time to stop it.

"Great. See you tomorrow then." He waves goodbye and walks out of the door leaving me in my house, all alone, once again.

I don't have much time to think about this strange conversation I just had with Haymitch because I fall into a dreamless sleep as soon as the door is closed.

* * *

 **Chapter 1 complete! I'm super excited to be doing this and if you guys have any suggestions leave me a review and tell me if I should make any changes! As I left a quote at the beginning, I'll be leaving a quote from the next chapter down here.**

 **Quote Preview:**

 **"I didn't think you would be here."-Katniss Everdeen (Can you guess who?)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys! Sorry I've had such a busy week that I couldn't get this up until now. Anyway I hope you enjoy this chapter and don't forget to leave me a review and tell me ways I can make** **this story better.**

 **Quote of the Chapter:**

 **"I do. I need you." -Katniss**

* * *

I wake up to a bright light shining in through the window. It must be close to noon and that means it's almost time to eat dinner with Haymitch. We've never had a meal together with just the two of us. I don't know what to expect.

I decide to eat some lunch and then do nothing with the rest of my day, so basically what I do everyday.

I've just sat back down on my chair when I realize how energized I am. I haven't slept like this since the day Peeta and I stayed on the Tributes Center's roof, before the Quell, before the war. That day seems like such a long time ago, even if I remember it like it happened yesterday. Peeta's hands in my hair, the relaxed feeling I had just laying there, alone, with Peeta, and the beautiful sunset that contained the gorgeous orange that Peeta claims to be his favorite color. Now I know why Peeta wanted to live in that moment forever. If only I had a time machine that could take me back to that day.

I didn't feel the fear of going into the arena or the anger at President Snow for making us go through another arena. I only felt contentment for being left alone all day, freedom from being told what to do, and protection from Peeta's presence. I felt as though Peeta would do everything in his power to make sure that nothing would hurt me, even if there was no physical threat, there's always the threat of losing something you love and care about. He was scared about losing me and I was scared about losing him.

I'm snapped out of my thoughts by Buttercup knocking an empty vase down.

"Stupid cat," I mutter as I go look for something to clean up the mess the cat has made.

I walk into the bathroom to get a towel and stop as I look at myself in the mirror. I am in no state to be going to anyone's house, even if it's just Haymitch. I go to look at the clock that came with the house and see that it says 3:30. I had sat down at 1:00. It's fascinating how long you can be trapped in your memories and not even know how long it's been.

I decide to go take a shower and then by the time I'm done getting ready I can head over to Haymitch's house.

It's been thirty minutes and I am finally ready to go eat dinner. I grab my shoes and walk over to Haymitch's house.

I just finished knocking on his door when I remember that he won't answer. I'm about to open the door and barge in when I hear the knob being turned and the door opening. I'm thinking that maybe it's Greasy Sae until I'm standing face to face with Haymitch.

"Hey sweetheart," he says as he opens the door wider to let me in.

"Hey," I say as I walk in and I'm preparing myself for my senses to kick in and when they do, they're assaulted, but in a good way. I actually think I walked into the wrong house when I see that you can actually see the rug on the floor of the living room. Instead of the rotted smell, there's the smell of someone cooking dinner. Probably Greasy Sae.

"Someone's been busy," I say as I turn around to see Haymitch.

"You don't think I actually did this, do you?" he replies before adding, "Sae helped me. She certainly does like taking care of us, doesn't she?"

"Yeah. I guess. Anyway, what's for dinner?" I say as we make our way to the dining room.

"You'll see. It should be done any minute now." Haymitch says as he walks out of the dining room and into the kitchen. I decide to go ahead and sit down at the table. The table has been made with three places set out. I guess Sae's going to stay for dinner. Good, I don't know what I would've talked about with just Haymitch here.

Haymitch walks out a second later holding a plate that contains a chicken that has been beautifully decorated with potatoes and gravy. He sets it on the table and takes his seat. I look up expecting Greasy Sae to come out of the kitchen with some bread, but instead I am met with Peeta's piercing blue eyes and my heart stops. We just stare at each other for a moment.

"I didn't think you would be here," I say, breaking eye contact.

"I could say the same thing," he replies.

"You didn't think I did this myself, did you?" Haymitch says.

"Of course not, but I thought it was Sae," I reply, slightly angered that he wouldn't tell me.

"When I heard voices, I thought it was Sae too," Peeta says, before adding, "Here's the bread," he says, setting the bread down before taking his spot at the table.

We are quiet as we get our food. I am just about to grab a piece of bread when my hand crashes into someone else's warm hand. I pull back immediately.

"Sorry," both Peeta and I say at the same time. I look up at Peeta to see him looking at me. Both of us look down and start messing with our hands.

"This is ridiculous," Haymitch says looking at both of us acting like people who don't even know each others names. "You two used to be so comfortable with each other. Now, you can't even touch each other's hands without becoming uncomfortable."

"We're not the same people we were when the war started," I say with a hint of disappointment, "you can't expect things to be the same as they were before. As much as I wish they could be, that's not how things work. We have to move on with our lives."

"You don't think I know that? I lost everything. I had nothing until you two came along. But I wasn't talking about being the same people as before, I was talking about trying to restore your relationship, or whatever it was, with each other. I'm not saying it's going to be the same, nothing ever is once it's changed, but we can come close to it." I stare at Haymitch, trying to think of something to say back to him, but honestly, I can't think of anything so I just look at my plate and start eating.

We continue eating in silence until all of us finish our plates.

"Would you guys like dessert?" Peeta asks before we could say anything.

"You made dessert?" I ask, looking up at him to see him looking back at me. His eyes dart to his hands in his lap and he has a slight blush to his cheeks. I pretend I don't see it so I can save him some embarrassment, but Haymitch has other plans.

"Is everything alright, boy? You look like someone hit you in the face." This only makes Peeta's blush deepen. I shoot a disapproving look to Haymitch and he smirks back at me.

"Uh, yeah. I made a few cupcakes. Let me go get them." Peeta says as he gets up and leaves the room, making a point of not looking at either of us. As soon as Peeta has left the room, Haymitch bursts into laughter.

"I can't believe you did that to him." I say as Haymitch's laughing dies down.

"What did you expect me to do? Leave him alone?"

"I was hoping."

Peeta walks back in before Haymitch can say anything. He is holding three plates with cupcakes on them. Haymitch snatches his from Peeta's hand and Peeta sets mine down in front of me. He sits down and I finally look down at my cupcake.

It's just a regular cupcake. Nothing spectacular about it, just a cupcake with a smooth layer of frosting. So why does it seem so special to me?

"That's your favorite color. Real or not real?" Peeta whispers to me and that's when I notice that the green frosting is the exact hue of my favorite color.

"Real. It reminds me of the woods, so that's why I like it." I reply to his question. I can practically hear the excitement in my voice as I answer. I'm excited because that means that if he can remember something as little as what my favorite color is, maybe he can remember other stuff. Bigger stuff. Stuff that didn't mean much to me then but mean the world to me now.

* * *

 **If you guys liked this please leave a review. Even if you didn't like it leave me a review and tell me what I can do to make it better. Anyways thanks for reading and I'll talk to you guys next time.**

 **Quote Preview:**

 **"He still loves you." -Haymitch**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey guys! Again, I'm really sorry for such a late update, I've been so busy with family because of the holidays, but I'm back with another chapter! As always, I hope you enjoy and don't forget to review and follow this story to be alerted when a new chapter comes out!**

 **Quote of the Chapter:**

 **"Because that's what you and I do. Protect each other." -Katniss**

Chapter 3

"My favorite color is orange. Real or not real?" Peeta asks, looking up at me expectantly.

"Real, but it's not a bright orange, it's more of a sunset kind of orange." I answer him but he knows that. He has asked me that same question before, in the Capitol. I don't know why he always asks the same question if he knows what the answer is already, so before I can stop myself, I say, "But you already knew that. Didn't you?"

He hesitates before he answers.

"I, uh, I guess I did but there's nothing wrong with being absolutely sure that it's right because at the moment, not a lot, in my head, is right." he says and I can hear the desperation in his voice, "I feel horrible inside. I know that the memories in my head are wrong. I've been told that many times since I got back from being captured. The only thing worse than knowing that, is knowing that every time I see those memories, I give in to them. I let them control me and there's no way I can stop it. I fight it, I honestly do, but I'm not as strong as I once was. I don't have enough of the real, untouched memories to fight back with. I'm weak, can't you see?"

He looks up at me and I notice his eyes have a different look to them, a slightly crazed and a slightly clouded look. I can only see them for a second before he closes them and puts his hands up to his face. I know what's happening. He's having a flashback.

I don't know what to do and neither does Haymitch, so I do what he used to do to me when I had a nightmare. I'm going to try to talk him out of it.

"Peeta, it's not real. Whatever you're seeing it's not real. It's not-"

"BE QUIET, YOU MUTT." Peeta cuts me off before I have a chance to finish. He takes his hands away from his face for a second, just long enough for me to see his tear streaked face and fully clouded eyes before pressing them back into his face.

"WHAT DO YOU KNOW? YOU'RE JUST A STUPID MUTT."

I'm staring at Peeta in shock and I can't stop the flow of tears streaming down my face. I know it's not the real Peeta saying those hurtful things. It's the hijacked Peeta who hates me and wants to kill me, but that doesn't stop me from feeling hurt and betrayed.

"Katniss, I think you should go home now. I'll help him." Haymitch says but I don't listen to him, I can't listen to him. His voice is overpowered by Peeta's grunting and screaming as he's trying to fight his way back to reality. I haven't taken my eyes off of him and he's doing everything he can think of to pull himself out of his vivid nightmare, pulling his hair, biting his lips to the point that there's blood coming from his mouth, and pinching himself so hard that I'm sure he's going to have bruises. After a few minutes of just sitting there, I realize that Haymitch is right. This is too much.

"I can't see him like this. I can't stand this." I say, my voice cracking. As soon as I get up, I'm running out of Haymitch's house.

When I get outside, I have no idea where I'm going to go. I can't stand going back to my house with so many bad memories and I can't go to the woods without walking through town, and that brings up too many bad memories. Anywhere I go my memories will be right behind me so I drop to my knees in the space between Haymitch's house and my house and cry.

I can hear stumbling from inside Haymitch's house and I'm worried that one of them hurt the other, but I can't find the will to get up and check on them, so I just cry. I cry for everything. I cry for everyone who I didn't know and died because of me. I cry for Peeta, Haymitch, Prim, Rue, Thresh, and the list goes on and on.

I eventually fall asleep with these thoughts in my head, curled up in a ball, leaning on Haymitch's house.

I wake up to the feeling of being carried by someone. I open one eye and as my eyes are adjusting, I hear Haymitch talk.

"Hey sweetheart. You haven't been asleep for long. Maybe about two hours." Haymitch says. I look at his face and realize that there is a big welt right under his eye.

"What happened to your face?" I ask and it sounds rude, but Haymitch knows what I'm talking about.

"He started swinging as soon as I touched him. I just got in his line of fire, but if you think this look bad then you're in for a surprise when you see him." As soon as he says it, he instantly looks surprisingly sad. "Sorry. I didn't mean to tell you that."

"It's alright. I don't think he'd care if you told me." I say, sounding like a wounded animal. The truth is, what Haymitch says is going to affect me for awhile. He sets me down and we walk side by side until we're at my front door. He turns and looks me straight in the eye before I have the chance to open the door and walk in.

"I think you'd be surprised at how much he cares." I open my mouth, about to say something, when he stops me. "I know you think otherwise and I know you're scared, but he's scared too. You know what he did as soon as he snapped out of his thoughts? He asked if you were okay. He asked if he hurt you at all. He started crying harder than I've ever seen anyone cry, even more than I've seen you cry. It took awhile to convince him that he didn't do anything to you and even then he doesn't believe me. That boy is something else. I don't know how his heart is so big after all he's been through."

"Yeah. I ask myself, sometimes, how anyone can be so nice. He means so much to me and you two are all that I have left. Everyone else is either dead or gone. I don't think you understand though. I'm scared to admit that because whenever I say I care about someone, they end up leaving one way or another." As I say this I have tears in my eyes because I wish I could deny it, but I can't. It's true. Everything I care about gets ripped away from me.

"No, I don't think you understand. He still loves you. He probably loves you more now than he ever did before, which is hard to see. Being hijacked has opened his eyes in a way that neither of ours will ever be opened. He won't admit it, yet, because I'm sure he's scared of losing you, just like you're scared of losing him." Haymitch tells me this with such certainty that I can't help but hope that it's true.

"Okay. See you later." I say before I open the door to go inside. As I step into my house, Haymitch puts his hand on my shoulder. I don't turn around and he doesn't attempt to turn me around.

"Don't forget that he's still fighting. He's fighting for you." With that Haymitch's hand leaves my shoulder and I can hear his feet walking away from me. I close the door and go to sit on my chair in the living room. Buttercup comes and sits beside me.

"Why did this have to happen to him? Of all the people it could've happened to, it had to happen to the best person I've ever met. He doesn't deserve to be living like this. He doesn't deserve to be living like this for me. I don't see why or how he could still love me." I am crying now, but it seems to me that I'm always crying nowadays. Buttercup just sits there and looks at me. The cats presence is somewhat soothing, maybe that's why Prim loved it so much.

Peeta's never going to want to see me again because I always seem to hurt him. I always send him into his flashbacks. I want to see him again because just the thought of being away from him for long is terrifying. I don't think I would be able to survive without him.

This thought brings me back to a darker time, a time full of violence and war. It brings me back to the cellar in Tigris's shop. I hear voices. Two voices that meant the world to me. Peeta and Gale.

They were talking about me when they thought I was asleep. Gale had gotten Peeta some water and Gale said he was up anyway, that it was no big deal. Peeta had asked if it was to make sure I was still there, if I was still okay, and Gale said that it was "something like that." Then they started arguing about who I really loved. When Gale had said that it would be trouble if all three of us survived and it was my problem, who to pick, Peeta wondered how I would pick. Gale said that it was simple. He said that I would pick who I couldn't survive without.

At that time, I thought I could survive without either of them, but now I realize something else. I can survive without Gale. Yes, I am sad that this how things turned out, but I've survived without him before. I survived two Hunger Games and he wasn't in either of them. I survived threats from President Snow without him. I survived many things without him there.

Peeta, however was with me every step of the way. He was on every train I was on. He went through every arena I went through. He went through every pain and more than I went through. He was with me on this journey against President Snow. He was there to comfort me when I had nightmares. He was just always there. Even when he wasn't there, he was there. Always in my heart ever since he threw that bread to me.

 **Well guys, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I'll try to update sooner than I did. Review!**

 **Quote Preview:**

 **"You're alive." -Katniss**


	4. Chapter 4

**OH MY GOD! I AM SO SORRY FOR HOW LATE THIS IS... I know I say that every time I update, but I made this chapter longer that the rest, almost 2,000 words more! I hope you guys like it! Don't forget to review and follow!**

 **Quote of the Chapter:**

 **"Always." - Peeta**

* * *

 _I'm standing in the big field in front of the golden Cornucopia. It's just me, standing here, wearing my Mockingjay armor._

 _I hear a rustling to my left, the same side of the ear I lost my hearing in during these games. When I turn to see what it is, I am met with the snakelike eyes of President Snow._

 _"Look at you, our girl on fire, our Mockingjay. How many people paid the price for you to be here?" he says in that venomous voice of his. I think about his question and what else is there to do but answer honestly?_

 _"More than there should have been." I say and he has a pleased smile on his face._

 _"Ahh, so you understand." he says with such clarity._

 _"Understand what?" I reply and he looks at me, even more pleased than before, if that's even possible._

 _"That people have died for you. That you did this to all of them. That everything bad that has happened to people is your fault. I'm sure some people would like to agree."_

 _Now, I hear a rustling from behind me so I turn around, only to be met with the piercing blue eyes of Peeta. He looks like he did when I saw him for the first time in District 13, except this time, he's wearing handcuffs._

 _"Peeta, don't you have anything to say to Katniss." President Snow asks him._

 _"No. I believe everything I want to say has been said before." Peeta replies with so much certainty, even I believe him. Obviously, President Snow has other plans._

 _"Tell me, how do you feel about her?" President Snow says, pulling a gun from out of his pocket and pointing it at him._

 _"I don't know, sir. I'm sorry."_

 _President Snow has a smug smile on his face when he says, "Me too my boy, me too."_

 _"PEETA. NO." I scream as I watch President Snow pull the trigger that is to set off the bullet that will end Peeta's life. I try to push Peeta out of the way, but I'm too late. The bullet has lodged itself right where I used to lay my head when we shared a bed, right where I could hear the steady beat of his heart._

 _"What have you done?" I scream at President Snow as he looks on with much pride._

 _"Remember I told you that it's the things we love the most that destroy us. He loved you the most and you destroyed him." he says right before he starts laughing maniacally._

 _"You... killed... him...," I fight to say in between sobs. I turn around to look at President Snow, but I see nothing except the gun that killed one of the only people I truly care about anymore._

 _I go to Peeta and I see his lifeless eyes looking back at me and I scream. I just scream continuously. He can't be dead. He can't be dead. He can't be..._

I wake up screaming and covered in sweat. I keep screaming, and then I start crying. Peeta's dead, gone forever. I'll never see him again.

I cry until I can't stand it anymore so I grab a coat and run out the door. I run across Haymitch's yard until I'm in Peeta's yard. I'm still running, with tears streaming down my face, until I finally get to his front door. I bang on the door until I see a light come on. I hear him coming down the stairs in his loud, and rather quick manner, but I still don't believe its him, I still don't know if he's alive.

My vision is blurred whenever he opens the door.

"Katniss? Is everything..." I don't give him time to finish his sentence because I launch myself into his arms. I feel him regain his balance and he hesitates before he hugs me back, but when he does, it's the most secure I've felt in ages.

"You're alive. You're alive. You're alive..." I whisper over and over again, until I assure myself that this is real.

"I'm alive. I'm okay. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere." Peeta whispers reassurances into my hair and I feel myself relaxing.

"Would you like to come inside?" he asks and I nod my head, but I don't make an attempt to let go of him.

"You know. If we want to go in we might be better off letting go of each other."

I shake my head hastily and he laughs. It is such a sincere, lighthearted laugh that it makes me cry and smile at the same time.

We end up getting into his house and I'm immediately wrapped into the comfort of his house. The smell of cinnamon and dill that I love so much floods my senses. His house is warm and welcoming while mine is cold and condemning. His radiates life. His house is everything that he is, everything that I'm not.

"Would you like a drink?" he asks me, bringing me out of my thoughts.

"Yes, Please." We're still at an awkward relationship. For the past two months I thought that things could be different, that things could be better, but by my response, I know we're not comfortable with each other. If I were comfortable I wouldn't have responded like that. I guess our moment of showing sentiment towards each other was over. Sure it was short lived but I won't forget this as long as we continue on the path we're heading in.

'I'll be right back then," he says and then leaves.

I'm about to sit on his couch when I notice the paintings on the wall. To get a better view, I walk over to one. I go to the one on top of the fireplace.

It is a beautiful picture of Victor's Village. It looks exactly like the entrance to the Village, but there's something in the painting that's not there in real life. Happiness. I mean, there are no people as far as I can see in the painting, but it's just the way Peeta presents it. He presents it as a home, as a place where people would love to grow up in. Where a family can live, free from fear. It's a place I wish I grew up in.

I go to another painting. This one is of Peeta and I the day we got back from the first Games. We're standing at the train station, holding hands. We both look so happy to be home. I am looking straight forward, smiling for all of the cameras. It's as simple as that. Peeta, however, is a different story. He is looking down at me in the most loving and tender way. There is something else there too. Sure, there's a lot of love, but you can also see the realization and hurt from him knowing that all of it is an act. If it was anyone else looking at this picture, they would just see two people, happy and in love. But I'm not just anyone. I see past the surface. I see all of the things Peeta didn't want anyone else to see. We're happy, I can't deny that, but there's so much more to it than just that.

I'm amazed by how Peeta can do something so spectacular that not even a photograph could capture.

The last painting I see is one of Peeta's newest creations. I can tell because it's got a darker tone, but Peeta's light is not entirely gone. It's a dandelion. A dandelion in the middle of all the ash and dust of District 12. It is right behind the remains of the bakery. Right where I sat as he threw the bread to me. I notice that in the painting, it's raining. Not a threatening rain, just enough to give the dandelion the water it needs to survive. It's living despite all the hardships it's had to go through to survive. Just like Peeta and I.

I didn't know Peeta was standing in the doorway looking at me until I turn around. He is looking at me with a calculating look. He must have been standing there for awhile.

"I set your water on the table," Peeta says to break the silence. I look to the little table in front of a chair and walk over to sit in that chair. While I take a drink, Peeta sits on the sofa beside me.

"Is everything alright?" Peeta asks, even though, by the look on his face, I know he knows everything is not okay. Nothing has been okay for awhile now. So I shake my head because it'd be of no use to lie to him.

"Want to talk about it?" he says and ,by the look I'm sure I have on my face, I know he already knows the answer. I shake my head and he knows not to say anything more. Sometimes it helps to talk about the visions that haunt my sleep, but most of the time it's better if you try to forget it, even thought you can never forget what you saw.

We sit there in silence, trying to ignore each other, but I can't. He's right in front of me. Isn't that what I wanted, isn't that what I fought for?

I look over to him and our eyes meet. These are the same eyes I used to find so comforting, so safe, and they still make me feel, somewhat, the same. Many things have changed but one thing hasn't, and that's the way his eyes flit away when our eyes meet. They did that when we were in school. They did that the day we had the Victor's meeting, the day I killed President Coin. They do that now, the same way they did before all the terrible things happened to us. Before we were sent into the Games. Before we were Victors. Before he was hijacked.

Breaking into my thoughts is Peeta's voice. He hesitates for a second, but catches himself and he sounds somewhat horrified when he say this.

"You know, I can hear you screaming at night," he says, looking right over my shoulder, ignoring my eyes. He's got my full attention now.

"Night after night I listen just to see if you'll wake up. When you do, I feel helpless. I just whisper reassurances to myself, in the dark, knowing that they won't help you, that I can't help you. Maybe I'll never be able to help you."

"Peeta, don't say that. You're doing everything you can. All of us are."

"Katniss, you don't understand. We wouldn't be in this mess if it wasn't for me. I shouldn't have said anything about my crush on you. That's what caused you to pretend we were in love and you had to follow that act. You're the only reason I'm alive right now. Everyone knew I was supposed to die in that first arena but you came and saved me. You pulled out those berries because you had an act to keep up, and you did. If you wouldn't have, I would be dead and nothing bad would have happened." He was so strong in his words and he believes himself fully, which makes his next sentence so scary.

"I wish I was dead. I wish I would have died so that you could have lived happily and without the pain I've brought to you."

I can't do anything for a second except stare at him. His words make me want to cry. He's looking at the floor now. He won't make eye contact with me and it's killing me. I have to say something before he believes it's real.

The words just start rolling off of my tongue.

"Live happily? Who could have possibly had a happy life in the world we were living in. Whether or not you died I wouldn't have lived happily."

He's looking at me now, but I can tell he still doesn't believe me, so I talk again.

"I pulled those berries out by choice. No one told me to do that but I did it because I knew that I couldn't let you die. I could never forgive myself. I wouldn't even be able to live with myself knowing that you died in that arena. You were fixing to die so that I could win, but I wouldn't let you. I could've easily stood there and watch you kill yourself just so I could win, but I couldn't. It's not that I'm too stubborn to let anyone do that for me, but it's that we created a bond in that arena. A bond that no one except us could understand. None of this was your fault. You were just trying to survive." I'm looking right into his bright, blue eyes and he's looking right into my eyes. We don't do anything for a few seconds until, finally, Peeta does something.

He smirks.

"What?" I ask maybe a bit too harshly, but he needs to understand I'm not kidding.

"And you say you're not good with words?!" He starts laughing quietly. That's twice tonight he's laughed and it's making it hard for me to stay upset with what he said.

I didn't exactly expect that response but at least he's not talking about himself dying.

"I was just speaking my mind. That's not the same as being good with words."

"Maybe you should speak your mind more often." He's quit laughing but he's still smiling.

"Yeah and look how far that's gotten us." He's not smiling anymore. He nows exactly what I'm talking about. He nows I'm referring to what I did in District 11 and what I did as the Mockingjay.

We don't speak for awhile after that. We just try to avoid each other's eyes and try to think of something to say that will help the situation, but, clearly, we can't think of anything. At one point, I look over to Peeta to see him staring at the painting of us at the train station. He is thinking about something, but I don't ask what it is. He'll tell me if he wants to.

I'm about to say something when he turns his head and stops me.

"You really didn't want me to die?"

"No. Like I said before, I wouldn't have been able to live with myself. I wasn't thinking about what could or what would happen after we got out of the arena. I just acted out of impulse." I tell him this and I realize, I mean it. I'm not just saying it to make him feel better, even though that was originally part of the plan, but I'm saying it because it's true.

Once again, we fall silent. There's been way too many times where it becomes a somewhat awkward silence. Even though I don't like the silence, I stay quit.

"I'm going to relight the fire." Peeta says.

I hadn't realized that, while we were talking, the fire was starting to die down. I had realized it was getting a bit cooler than it was when I got here, but it was still warm in here. I thought that maybe I was starting to feel colder because of our conversation.

I am starting to feel sleepy while I watch Peeta light the fire. I'm looking at the back of his head and before I know it I'm asleep. I couldn't stop myself, I was just starting to realize how late it was and how tired I was when my body just gave up and shut down. That's what I get for not being able to sleep with nightmares.

I wake up to the feeling of two strong arms picking me up from the chair. I know I haven't been sleeping for more than fifteen minutes.

"It's alright. Go back to sleep." Peeta's voice is so gentle and caring that it makes me feel safe in his arms once again. He is holding me like a fragile vase, tightly but delicately, almost like I can break at any moment.

I'm too tired to ask a question but I manage to squeeze out enough words to have a very short conversation.

"Where are we going?" I sound like I'm whispering. I'm not sure Peeta even heard me until he starts climbing the stairs.

"You're going to sleep in my room." I can practically hear that exhaustion in his voice too. I wrap my arms around his neck and lean my head against the spot where I can hear his heat beat so that I can make it easier on him.

"What about you?"

"I'm sleeping on the couch. Don't worry."

I'm forcing my eyes to stay open but I'm not doing a very good job. My eyes have been closed this whole time and I'm almost asleep when he sets me down on his bed, lays my head gently on a pillow, and brings the blanket up to my chin.

"Goodnight Katniss."

I can hear him walking out, but I'm not ready for him to leave. What if I lose him, again?

"Peeta, wait."

I don't hear his footsteps anymore, so I know he's listening.

"What's wrong? Are you comfortable?"

I completely ignore his question and ask my question.

"Can you stay with me until I fall asleep?"

He's thinking about it. Even without looking at him, I can tell. He would have said no already.

He doesn't say anything, but his footsteps start up again and they're getting closer this time.

I open my eyes and there he is right in front of me. He doesn't say anything while he goes to get the chair sitting in the corner of his room and sets it down right by the bed. He sits down on it and I have to admit that I'm upset his arms aren't around me to ward off all of the nightmares, but all of those thoughts leave my head when he says the one word I have been waiting for. The one word that means no matter what, he'll love and protect me. The one word that no matter how hard I try to deny it, will always make me happy that Peeta's here with me.

"Always."

The word that means forever.

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 **"God! You're as stubborn as a grass stain!" -Haymitch**


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